Finality…

Yesterday I got a jolt. Something that has gotten feeling really sad. It has a whole lot with being a girl, and I can only talk about this openly and honestly. I give all of you the chance to stop reading here or you can continue to read this at your own risk.I have struggled with anemia my whole life. On top of that I have extremely heavy periods. I always have, and because some other women in my family have struggled with this same thing, I just assumed it was normal.

I was tested last year for anemia. I don’t know what all the numbers mean, but my doctor was concerned and said that I should start taking iron suppliments before I need a transfusion.

She tested me again this year for anemia and prescribed me iron pills, and said that I will need a transfusion if these don’t work. She was extremely concerned about my anemia. She also asked about my periods, and I told her how heavy they were. She asked what my OB-GYN said about it, and I told her that he wasn’t too concerned, because he hasn’t been. She told me to see a new OB-GYN.

Yesterday I went. I saw a woman. The news is not good.

The anemia has gotten bad enough that I am losing too much blood each month. I HAVE to stop. The diagnosis is menorrhagia. I have 3 options.

  1. Take birth control which will raise my already too high blood pressure and most likely won’t work anyway… (doctor already automatically ruled this option out)
  2. Have an Endometrial Ablation performed which basically burns the lining of my uterus causing little to no periods, making it impossible to ever have another baby.
  3. Have a hysterectomy.

Those are my options. As I said, one is already out, not even considered.

I am really happy about not having a period, other than feeling like an old woman. I am 35. I feel I am too young for this.

In addition, it is no secret that my kids are biologically my first husband’s children. The Cat Juggler has never had children of his own, biologically. That has not stopped him from loving my children like his own, and in many ways is more of a father than their biological father.

I had my tubes tied 10 years ago, but I always knew that if we wanted, I could get that procedure reversed to give the Cat Juggler children.

Now….

Well….

That isn’t ever going to happen. I can no longer imagine what our child together will look like because that child will never be. The Cat Juggler is supportive, and very content with this… he has never wanted to continue his family line… for his own reasons which I will allow him to tell if he wants…

But I have spent over 20 years of my life imagining what our child would be like… and that child will never be. My heart is broken. I feel like my body has failed us. I feel a loss…. for something that will never be. The tears are pouring down my face as I write this, because the feeling of loss is so real and so deep.

It’s done. It won’t happen. I have to let it go.

I just don’t know how.

If anyone has had the procedure in #2 or has any insight into this… please leave a comment or email me at tall dot tina dot p at gmail dot com.

Thanks.

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9 Responses

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  2. Tina,

    whatever you do, do not have a hysterectomy. Even “just” a subtotal is going to destroy the very intricate and not enough understood working of your many hormones.
    I know that from experience. I was in total shock about this. Please go to the HERS website and do take the time to look and listen to their video about what it really means to consent to a hyst. Acupuncture and diet can help with some gyn. problems. Go to a doctor who specialises in treating hormonal imbalances and check out your options.
    Don’t loose your nerves. Time is still on your side. Have a transfusion, if this buys your more time.
    Good luck.

  3. I’m 31 and I have had all 3 options done. I had the ablation done in March 2007, a partial hysterectomy done in Feb 08 and my ovaries removed in July 08. If you have any questions just email me at fragile (dot) what (at) yahoo (dot) com 🙂

  4. I’ve waited to comment mostly because I did not know what to say. You had your tubes tied because having another child could kill you.

    So in my book, us having a kid together was never an option.

    But I still get why this is hard for you. The death of hope is always hard. And the only cure is to find joy in what is left to us.

    We have a good life. We have three great kids. Three great kids who will never be tainted with my father’s genes. I’m happy. My life is good. And you guys are the reason for that. I hope we can be that same reason for you.

    One final note:
    FOR THE SAKE OF KEEPING PEACE IN THE FAMILY, I HAVE EDITED THE REST OF THIS COMMENT. SORRY.

  5. Sweetie

    I know how you feel in some ways. GamerDude and I had 2 children before I had a hyst at age 35 because of ever increasing endometriosis and no relief in sight.

    I still grieve that 3rd child we always talked about and now would never be.

    I am so sorry that your situation has worsened to a degree that you have such choices to make. If you go for the hyst, ask them to leave your cervix as it helps with maintaining sexual function and helps prevent bladder prolapse issues

    Blessings

  6. oh sweetie. my heart is broken for you. as i approach the finality of having my uterus removed I feel those hot tears on my face too. i wish i could give you a hug. we are both too young to lose our baby parts. its just not fair.
    in the field i work I have a lot of experience with side effects of both hysterectomy and ablation. i know a LOT of women who are very satisfied with ablation. taking your uterus out could lead to falling bladder, its intrusive etc etc etc……….you have to do what you think is best. i’ve heard great result with ablation and its so much less traumatic. all my love to you friend. i hate that you are going through this. i’m so sorry.

  7. Hysterectomy…………Just have it done now and dont waste time trying the other procedures.

  8. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. My daughter’s stepmom had the ablation done as she has dealt with heavy bleeding too. I know the procedure itself was not bad….a little cramping the day of and the day after but by the third day she was out and about doing her normal thing. I will ask her about the results. I know for some women it works very well and others not as much so I’ll ask what her results were.

  9. Tina,

    I had a hysterectomy at age 30 as I had Endometrioisis. It was making me very ill and there was no choice. I had two beautiful sons – and was thankful for that – so I made the hard decision. I was divorced at the time – so I knew that if I met anyone else there would never be an option for children. it was a hard choice but ultimately the best thing I could have done healthwise.

    I’m sorry this is happening to you. Do e-mail me if you want to talk more. (((((HUGS))))))

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