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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can always hurt me

Domestic Violence Awareness

We were at a fund-raising benefit dinner for the Homeless in Tucson AZ. We were at a large, circular table with four other couples. We were socializing and everything was great. The desert came out and it looked scrumptious. It was slice of cheesecake drizzled with caramel and strawberry sauce with half a strawberry on top. My ex husband (the monster) got his served to him first.

I love to explore my world mouth first, and his dessert looked so good I couldn’t wait for my own. I took my fork and asked if I could have a small taste.

You certainly don’t need that on top of all the other weight you have recently put on

he declared loudly. All the side conversations around the table ceased as everyone looked from him to me in absolute horror. I immediately shrank back and bit my lip hard enough I tasted blood to fight back the tears that threatened to overtake my face.

I am 6’1 and at the time of this conversation I weighed about 185 lbs. Weight was never a huge concern for me, I wanted to put some meat on my bones after looking anorexic skinny most of my life. Those words he uttered that night continue to haunt me and my self esteem.

The monster loved putting me down every way he could. The following are some exact quotes of things that he would tell me (especially whenever I tried to leave him):

No one will ever love you because your such a bitch”

“You will never go far in any career because you never finished to college”

“You are worse than the scum on my shoe”

“You will always be fat and ugly and no one will ever love you”

“Your family taught you to be a stubborn selfish bitch just like all of them”

“You only live off of my paycheck because your too stupid to do anything but fuck”

“Your children will despise you because your such a lazy stupid slob”

“Your mother doesn’t even love you, how can anyone else?”

“Your family knows what a spoiled bitch you are and they will take my side when you walk out that door because they know that I am good and you are just bad” (sadly, this actually happened when I finally left)

“Everyone hates you”

“You are worthless

I will never forget when I was nearly 9 months pregnant and my bladder wasn’t working as well as I wanted it too, he said this to me:

I can’t believe your so trashy that you would get my seat wet…. You will never again be allowed to ride in this car because this car means more to me than you ever have or ever will”

See, an abuser uses repeated put-downs and criticism. They use everything they can to tear away a person’s self esteem. They do this because they have their own self-esteem issues they are dealing with. They do this because it is a way to be powerful and in control.

These put downs rarely were something I could ignore. I feel a lot of my current weight issues stem from these repeated put downs during the 8 years I was married. Just writing those here has me in tears. They still hurt, and I don’t believe them anymore.

Nothing was more powerful in my life than being reunited with my first love, the Cat Juggler, and letting the monster know I was getting happily married… finally. The second most gratifying thing to happen was to earn an income that now doubles his current salary. Who is stupid now?

But to feel that satisfaction I had to leave that situation. I had to get out. I HAD to leave and stop hearing the daily personal attacks.

If you, or someone you love is in this situation… get them out NOW. The words begin to wear a person down and they begin to truly feel that it may have some truth. I still fight those demons 6 years later. So does the Cat Juggler, so do my kids. Don’t let this continue in your life. LEAVE NOW!

If you think you may be a victim of Domestic Violence, please click the picture at the top of this post. Or you may call

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)


8 Responses

  1. I am gonna be honest with you. You are an idiot for not leaving him after the first remark. You are an even greater idiot for not kicking him in the nuts after some of those other remarks.

    There is no, and never was, a reasonable excuse to stay with him. Believe in your selves for what else is there to believe in?

    Still glad you finally got out, though. It still dazzles me why women always end up with idiots like this.

    I can hear it now in the courtroom….

    Your honor, I am seeking divorce because my husband made a rude remark about my weight in front of strangers..

    You have no clue until you have been in that situation. I am older and wiser now, and this would never happen today… I wouldn’t care what the judge would say.

  2. I am proud of what you did. Hopefully other women out there, who are suffering the way you used to, will realize how much value and worth they are as a person. They don’t need to stay in the relationship for their kids. Doing so will only worsen the situation and aggravate the sufferings of every family member. I hope they could be as brave as you and move on.

  3. I am so glad you found the strength to walk away.

  4. This was a painful post to read. I can’t bear to think that you had such terribly cruel things said to you – even once, let alone many times. It is mental cruelty. Hugs.

    Usually people that say such things are very insecure. They say them to try and make you the recipient also feel insecure – they believe that if they rubbish you out enough, you will be too demoralised to ever think of leaving.

    There insecurity is no excuse. They are sick and although they need help – it needs to be from professionals and not a partner. This is no type of relationship to stay in – you will never sort it out yourself – so anyone out there reading this important messages should take heed – AND WALK AWAY. While you still can ….

    Thanks Jan, you make such a great point. Luckily I recognized his insecurity and his desire for me to feel as low as he did. Some of his words still haunt me, but I realize what they are and make a conscious effort to not allow those words to run my life.

  5. I remember trying to leave my ex once (shortly before I really left him) and he told me that nobody would want me. I have blocked a lot of the memories I had with him, but every once in a while something I hear or see will remind me of something that happened with him. Now, because I have blocked out that part of my life I don’t remember a lot of things from when Karalyn was an infant and toddler. Luckily, I have family ,friends , and pictures that help me remember the good things.

    I know exactly how you feel… there is a lot of the kids young lives that I have blocked out. Like when you were staying with me. The only things I really remember is the times when the video camera was running or when a picture was taken. That is about it. I hate that he robbed that from me.

  6. I think I can totally relate myself with this one. I remember my first boyfriend used to make me feel so depressed and demotivated with his comments. I am 5,8″ tall and not very skinny (I mean you canโ€™t call me fat from anywhere), when the whole world used to compliment me for my height and stats, he used to say that I am overweight. I have got compliments for my eyes and hair while he used to compliment other girls infront of me for their eyes but never complimented me. He has criticized me for my looks, clothes, and what not. Infact once I really broke down infront of him and asked him when he finds so many faults in me why doesn’t he just leave me once and for all. Since he was my first love, it was so difficult to get over with him but today when I look back I feel so relieved that I am not with him anymore. And I think people like him are mere losers who are depressed and have an inferior complexion themselves; they just want to pass it on. So the person closest to them becomes a scapegoat off all their sickness. Today I feel that I am blessed that God sent someone really wonderful in my life later on who complimented me even for my nails, voice, hair, eyes and just everything. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I am so glad you left him, leaving you open to find one who treats you so much better

  7. I don’t have anything nice to say, so I won’t say anything at all. I’ll leave it at Grrr… ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    Take care, lady. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Awww PP you always have the ability to say something nice….. I do hope your back feels better and you find out what it is that is bothering you so badly!

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